The After Dark Project

Ideals of the North

2009-12-20T04:04:00.001-07:00

this isn't a college town.. this isn't a dream of this time of this town....
i have a magic compass that well blind your eyes of where i'm going...
i'm so afraid that i'm no longer strong, that i'm doom from woman
and courage is a bowl at the end of this soup line....

frozen up in the northern hemisphere i'm drown all over the place...
i'm really not favoring my town, wish i scenic route to life and the truth
but i'm really just learning how to read this map and i'm summing up all the courage
hide the signs i want to go alone this time....

db

it doesn't hurt me....

2009-10-17T05:31:00.001-07:00

you want to know if it doesn't hurt me... you want to know that it didn't phase me...
your words choke my heart into beliving...
your words carved me into who want to be...
but you never said that your words would ever matter...
the spaces you built for me, all made me feel ok, made me feel warm..

c'mon tell me again how you felt... tell me how this ends... if i only could...
i want you, i want to hold up your when your down....
i don't want to ever know you never loved me... you never loved me...
it doesn't hurt me, no never well...
filling up those faces with yours... all i'm doing is filling up these spaces with my lies...
only if i could.. only if i could have kiss you the first time.. hold your hand the first time...
then i would be willing to walk down this road without your soul....

db

late nights and late days...

2009-10-16T15:55:00.001-07:00

it's been awhile since i been outside in the early mornings that wasn't me going back home to sleep. My sleeping pattern is really screwed up now, my job requires me to work late. 'Causing me to sleep in most days usually 1pm or 2 pm and then i work at 5pm again.. so usually get like 4 or 5 hours to myself... which is lame. i hate my job but who doesn't it...

well a little more of my life, there's a new girl in my life and she has "deeply madly in love with me" those were the words she said. I'm surprised and feeling good about it, i never had someone who was just in love with me. :) i usually have to throw lines around or do nice things to get her attention but she came to me..

:) i'm going to ride this ride and see where it takes me... wish me luck??

db

missing out on something...

2009-10-14T04:54:00.002-07:00

well it's been a while but really nothing has really change... i guess i catch up everyone with this life i call mine. First and foremost i'm in a relationship a very awkward bad one, she has a boyfriend and i'm the other "guy." i'm beginning to understand how easy it is for people to hurt other's that they care or love. For years i was being hurt and abuse by different woman because i never set a type of boundry with any one of them. As of September i been fooling around with someone i don't understand enough to know why she even cares about me..... well tell you the truth this week she told me that loves me.

i felt nothing when these words were utter out, but i did notice that the way she said it was so natural and fluid that she actually deeply meant it. I for one have been emotional numb for so many months that i actually am a front of to someone i wish i could be. I smile dumbly at my everyday life that i even fool myself that people care about what i felt. I truely understand now thou, that after many years of trying to find love, that love comes to you when you least want it or desire it.... i for one should never have it... i'm done here for now. i'll post something tomorrow, more postive... more me.

glad to be back.

db

her.

2009-10-13T03:40:00.002-07:00

exactly at 3:22am a girl told me she loves me... i was than told not to ever mention it again... so i posted it here because she doesn't know about this blog, to remind me later how being loved feels... if this heart ever allows it too...

db

i well break...

2009-10-10T00:33:00.001-07:00

if the end is never near enough, then this social reserve is the only place for me to let go..

i'm sick, infected with worries with busted lips...
i'm bored with the it of you, and i'm screamin' outloud that your the reason i'm not here...
traveling with the sound of voice, i never knew that your life is so damn non-sense and that selfishness is all i have to live for...

i rather knew you hated me from the beginning never meeting you at the end...
i been sober for nothing and i'm been letting go ever suicidal hate...
telling myself that taking my meds is matter of knowing and caring and i no longer have either... i never been more confused.... i never been more worried....

i would gladly trade places, with anyone else who's running up another a hill...
making a deal to make this life different.... you want to hurt me and you should..
because i'll tear into cinders.... if i only i could, if only i knew what was in store in these moments.... i wouldn't have called for an early angel...

db

a myth to believe in...

2009-06-27T03:22:00.001-07:00

she's really something to believe in...

everything built up inside and i'm failing to be hers...

waiting patiently for her reply, i'm coughing up all her pieces..

i don't want to be the only one knowing the end of this..

slowly strumming the chords attach to your heart...

i know your pain and it grows inside every dream...

she so unattainable to me, and i let her build up inside of me...

i keep catching my words in my throat, i can't let her become of me...

knowing she isn't real is keeping me from reaching out...

tomorrow well be another day from you, another space between in me...

torment and the pain is covering me, aching for a myth of you and me...

inscripition

2009-05-27T04:39:00.003-07:00

i been waiting for something, waiting for a wailing and recieved nothing more than a wimper... maybe i'll know more in time. Then again, i'm tired of waiting. sick of it actually, never like it more than i wanted to know about it. In a moments the sun well begin to break the horizon and i'm no where closer to where i want to be. I'm sitting here, just eaten 3 vegan tacos and half dranken bottle of wine... slumber comes to mind... but really i'm here hoping the best has happen or well happen...

i have moved on and i know it, no longer stale of the thought of us. i no longer wonder if, with time, we would be... no i'm fluid with my thoughts and feelings, not clinching to either one long enough to remember you. (i patiently fiddle with my pens and markers, today i written my first poem without remorse or sorrow)

yes, yes.... i now know what i lost and my "spirit" was not the important part of me. where is the "i".... i know it's not in this bottle, nor any that follows. i fear it was left in your hands next to my heart that resides there too. I don't need either but i'm hellbent on making my life better. I'm waking everyday and making sure that my seconds, minutes and hours are not wasted on what little past i cherish and hidden of you. i'm planning my great escape and this time i written you out.

soduku and diet root beer

2009-03-04T15:27:00.001-07:00

I'm drinking a diet root beer and finishing off a soduku puzzle

funny dreams

2009-03-04T04:07:00.003-07:00

OKay okay this is going to sound weird... the last couple of weeks i been having these nightmares.

Nothing to scare me or anything, just a gut feeling of something trying to keep me down. At night i wake up startled where I'm at, with my arms and legs tired like i been fighting or something. Well i started to take these sedatives because i couldn't fall asleep on my own. Days go by and everything is fine, not waking up at night tired when i fall asleep....

BUT the dreams are becoming more frequent and this time i'm not waking up when i'm been held down and being forced to see what i'm fighting.. which is nothing but hands and arms coming towards me. I'm stuck at this point of the dream, i can feel the hands scratching at me... and usually i wake up a little scared but still it's just a dream.

Well it was just a dream and i felt nothing of it because it's not as bad as the dreams of dead people lying beside me. But now i'm been waking up with scratches on my face, arms and torso... i didn't notice until my friend ask me if i got into a fight.... thats' when i touch my face and felt all the tiny narrow scratches on my face. Then i realize i had more when i took a shower...

Today, this morning i have two new scratches on my face and a deeper scratch on my finger... actually it feels like a cut more than a scratch. My legs are sore and my arms aches, like i said before as if i was fighting all night. I'm tired throughout the day and now my attitude is changing... i tried to be cheerful or happy... but either way all i can think about is how all the people around me are really trying to betray me. Out to get me... so too speak, paranoid? maybe.. but i know they're now but i continue to doubt they're loyalty to me. My thoughts have been haunting me with images of pain and hate... many people die in my head.

i'm just tired and i can't sleep...

Time has pass me by....

2009-03-03T02:04:00.002-07:00

Okay, i'm sorry i haven't written in this blog for awhile... but i needed a long personal break of keeping everything inside me inside. First the last blog i did was on christmas eve, the one i should have written about was the call that came to me on new years eve. Pam called me at 4:20 am asking for me, asking for my voice.. and my heart was hers' again... i keep doing this to myself. I keep myself away from her, i put myself above my pass. Then i begin to forget how her voice sounds and then how her eyes look... and her smell fades... and her touch is almost gone. Then her voice calls out my name, like one last desperate saying of "DO NOT FORGET I EXIST!!!!" Her damning voice soothes what doubt i have of her and me being together.

Damn my hands wanting to caress her face and my voice to say her name... i feel every chamber in my heart aching for her embrace... why can't i wake up not thinking of her... why do i fall in lover with her all over again, why does she insist that i never forget her, that i love her... she has my heart in her hands and my soul on hold...

this time i'm waiting for her and i'm not chasing her...

i felled before and now i know not to land on my face...

sleeping with no pills

2008-12-24T22:12:00.001-07:00

it's Christmas Eve. and everything is okay... wondering if this past year was really worth the trouble or not. I'm really into finishing this year with a bang... stayed tune.

db

Information

2008-12-16T13:51:00.002-07:00

Well its 1:56am and I'm sleeping on the floor at my new place... I'm moved here last from Tempe, AZ to Mesa... I gave away all my furniture and crap... except my computer and TV. I'm been thinking a lot these past weeks about everything... all in all I needed this move/change in my life. No longer do I feel alone and stranded in my home. I have 4 or 5 roommates all living in a house, yeah a lot of people but I need this enviroment. I was getting depressed at the other place by myself... started to think that cutting my self was okay again, but that has no solutions just more problems. I believe that I'm getting better now, I feel I've turned around for the best... I'll write about what happen these past couple weeks later... good night everyone

db

plazin' to save lives or something...

2008-09-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm at the plazma center right now, as I'm typing this I'm thinking why am I here... I don't need the money and at times I don't even get the money. Well atleast somone is getting the medicine they need to live because of my plasma.

Regardless I'm keeping busy with life and my social activities. Right now I'm trying to decide what political party to vote and volunteer for. I regret during the last election that I gave my time and efforts to the repubilican party. I finally realize that the last true repubilican canidate is Ron Paul. I love his speeches and his ideals where the party and this country need to go if real change actually happens.

McCain and Obama or to me equal in every way... obama I believe help the economy more but well raise taxes to pay for his social programs and oil free country programs. Environmentally speaking obama is what I want, but his speeches in europe threw me off real bad. The hint of a one world goverement and economy is not my cup of tea. Europe may love all that unity but soon enough it'll just be known as europe and not France, Germany, Italy, Etc. I'll need to read up more of his views...

Damn they called my named... I'll write more about McCain when I log back on...

inspiration is what i needed...

2008-09-04T01:24:00.002-07:00

where i left last time was a bit everywhere.. well lets finish this story and leave as that... my ex wife went to prison for a while for drug possesion and other stuff. She of course blame me for everything, for a messed up child hood and failed life. More important thou was it was my fault that she's in prison because if i was a real person i would have supported her drug habit in a safe enviroment. UGH... i want to beat myself for letting her control of what sanity and life i had... lost my car.. stupid divorces, stupid everything.. i'm done with her, i'm done of being married

shame, shame and embrassement on me and my family, i just wanted to have a family. I swear my i'm a fuck up and all my siblings are laughing at me.. Thats' if they weren't already... i hate this feeling, i hate what i got at the end and i hate that i got married in a church. I sweared to god that i would love her, now i'm a fuck up to him too...

i'm going to keep to myself from here on out, i don't want to be part of anything. Finish school, finish with this place, and move far from this place where no one can find me. where no one knows what sort of sad life i have and lived, i used to want to love someone.. now i understand all those bitter people who hate life. I didn't want to be like that but thats' where i am now, i don't want to hear anyone else telling me to find someone else. There's more fish in the sea or anything like that... i just want to forget everything..

back where i belong...

2008-08-27T03:46:00.002-07:00

ugh... where should i begin... my hiatus and nothing more short than realezing that my life is no where near what it should be. I'm tired and i'm tired... it's 345 am and my brother is lieing on the floor next to me with his face smash in and smelling like he's been drinking. Mind you, i just got off work.. so none of this happen becase of me. BUT of course these sort of things come back my way, ending being my fault. I'm the older more mature brother who pays the rent, grocerices, electric and of course the cable/internet.... while he sits here and does nothing... where did i end up like this.

Lets see where did i leave, ok i'm ready to write about this now.

My ex-wife and i weren't seeing at the same level as where our lives should go. My ex, thought and strongly believed that her days of taking drugs and partying were just beginning. I see why she made me promise on our wedding day that i'll support her through the worst of times. Support she meant money, support her 100 to 150 a day drug habit. Drug of choice meth and at times crack, while she meant well to go back to South Dakota the first time, to straighten herself out... it really just marriage end faster. Her sister and best friend in the world, made her believe that i wasn't a fit husband. Because a real husband would support that sort of drug habit, that sort of lifestyle. I hate myself more than anything now thou.. i made myself believe that she loved me and that our marriage was something special. Really thou, and i found this out later, that she married for the only reason but to leave South Dakota and since i live in Tempe. Near Tucson, whom star (ex-wife) cousin's husband was a drug dealer... but get this he didn't want to this he just ended doing it because his wife brought in so much dealt. Now with connections and a new found quest to fraud a another human being to believing that he found a better life. Her plan was in the works, she insisted we get married before the end of the fiscal year so we can claiim marriage status on my taxes which i been paying in Single Rate Status... return that year was over $21oo. I kept 280 to pay the car and she took the rest because.. i'm such a fucking dumbass.. her cousin was being evicted out of her apartment and needed $1800. I gave it to her because she's my wife, i trusted her, i believed her.. goddamit i loved her. it hurts me now that i can't be with her and kills me that i was with her, i could have waited.. i could have just thought this out better. But, everything was going well when we got married, when i thought i found what i was looking for... either way i was drag a long a fuck up ride of someone robbing me of my life's work and love... Being used by someone you trust is the worst feeling....

This letter came in the other day and telling me she misses me and wants us to be back together... My heart is stitch back together with words that everything well be better soon...

god i hope so... i'm tired, i'm poor, i'm still waiting to breath again...

smokeless smoke...

2008-05-01T04:39:00.001-07:00

i write all the time, i imagine a better time when my life was better, i remember when my world was just her and me... now it's her and her drugs and never me... it's her and her friends who have those life numbing chemicals... i feared, i cried, i felt loss and felt that i was in this all alone.. by myself.. sleepless nights, and careless days... i want to smoke and drink again so she can understand i'll be like her to be with her... i'm not like that.. and i don't want to be on my back anymore, i don't want to kiss her chemical traced lips, i don't want to hold her close to smell hot glass and burning residue... i miss her smell, i miss her touch... i'm no longer in her picture, i'm no longer part of her life, i'm not the constant beat in her heart, i'm no longer waiting.. .sorry, i'm burnt out and i'm tired, i just want to roll over and die with what little heart i have... my wife, my life... i'm no longer waiting... i'm no longer holding your hand, i hope you understand... but i love you...

db

it's been awhile.. but everyting... is....

2007-06-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

my life is really different now... nothing is the same, i'm in debt, my wife hates me, my life will be the same.... i miss everything i used to be.... i don't know what tomorrow will be like... i'll wait here 'till then....

db

Another post

2006-12-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

As everything is finally calming down around us, and now settling in the new life... i'm happy with what we have achieved so far. I bought a car last month a 2002 chevy malibu, yes star pick it out... it doesn't really matter to me at all. Because i never like driving around but as i'm pumping fossil fuel into a car that i hate and love at the sametime. I become more aware how imagiable it was for me not to have a car in the first place. Our relationship become stronger, that's star and myself and not the car and I, we do a lot of things together and her days of staying at home and watching TV is gone...

yeah, the first two weeks much to my regret she did nothing, not by choice but the fact that she couldn't go anywhere... well beside the local transit... which i didn't want to allow my wife to ride. Not to sound like i'm "man" but because gee it's the city bus and who knows what type of weirdos get on.. gee i have stories of my travels. plus in less then four days of getting the car, star got a job and not because i told her or ask her too... she just wanted to do more with her day.. which i respect greatly. i'm very pround of her and very happy with her, her parents are happy with the fact that her and I are together (and yes they said "Finally!"). well besides anything else, i got a huge raise at work and being promoted to a higher level at work also. Actually tonight at 600pm i'm supposed to be at the company party. I was stoke about being invited because people are only invited if they work over 5 years or a higher level manager. I neither of those but they felt that i needed to be invited.

One more side note, i'll be moving to California and be working at a brand new theatre that open this past three months. Star and i well be going to California hopefully around Feburary :) well i'll write more later

THANK YOU for everyone who has wished star and i a good life, thank you very much

DB

Finally!!!!

2006-12-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, here is what has been going on in my life...

I GOT MARRIED!!!!!

Yes, i know... i bet your asking Who? why? when? well first of all it's STAR!!!! i love her, i really do but as usual it's hard to make things work out after a year of absence. But it feels like everything is new and some things are old. I'm past those feelings that used to hurt and i'm over the things that made me stay up at night.

ok, the reason why is why not? I mean i love her and love the way we are.. even if it's a bit fuck up sometimes. Our past has not been the best but our past is what gets us through the world together.....

i love her.. and i married her...

i'll write more now, i just been caught up with her and us for these past weeks. Believe me it's a different way of living and believing... it's weird.. it's awesome it's great, i sleep, i breath, i smile... i'm never tired... i'm myself again...

DB

The one second time machine....

2006-09-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

This is what i believe.. i can never ever breath so easily when your standing next to me... wanting nothing more than to know that you feel the same... i breath easier with nothing left inside of me and i can never ever be the same if you ever place your hand in mine... slowly, movingly i kept on passing you by, always whispering the world into your beating heart.... i place all of this on me and nothing on you... give me time and i'll show you, you'll never have to learn to love me.. just fall with me...

db

Today is my Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

Yup i was born some odd years ago!!!!!!!!!

DB

yup.

2006-09-14T04:19:00.000-07:00

The nuclear arsenal of the United States contains the explosive equivalent of 15,000 pounds of dynamite for every man, woman and child living on Earth.

more and more.. but everything is just nice...

2006-09-13T00:24:00.000-07:00

well friends what do i have to say, well i don't live alone here in my two bedroom duplex... While moving in and thinking to myself i have so much space and so less of me... that's when my cousin came over just to say hi, and he knock at my old apartment.. which was funny because... well i didn't tell anyone i moved and i didn't really want too.... it's a flaw of my character. Even as much people tell me that they love me i'll never believe it, i don't it's been drill in my head since childhood. but other than that my cousin came over to my new place and was just like wow.. and then i laugh it took me 3 hours to unpack. That's when i realize i don't have much my life but i'm happy and keen to that type of lifestyle. well during this visit i caught up with all family events and found out that i had a counsin was living out of his car with his family. A baby boy who was still crawling and didn't say a word, a mother who is going full time at the community college. I didn't think much of it and being the ass that i am, i blew over the subject and didn't think much of it. Later on that night, as i was lying down, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't think i just had a bitter and ugly taste in my mouth. Like it was building up in the back of my mouth, i couldn't breath and i just felt that i was at the bottom of my life form. That's when i cried because that's how sad, bad and awful i felt, after i calm down i thought of my mom and thought about all the things she has done in her life. The times she took in family even when we didn't have room and didn't have much to give up, and they 'cause more trouble than solutions. She always said that they are family and someday when your older, they will be all you have left in your life. i thought about this and i thought about my mom, i haven't thought of her for years i haven't cried in years, but that night i just felt that i let her down more than i ever could have.... i was bitter at life but now it's different.

As my cousin and his family moved in i felt that i made a mistake, but that was only because i haven't lived with anyone over 4 years; especially with family. The first couple of days pass and during that time i felt better, i slept well and my cousin's son, who's name is Corey is the best little guy i ever known. One night as i got home late around 6:30 in the morning i found him up and sitting up among the blankets with his parents. He slept with them 'till they got they're funiture and other baby items from storage. Well he seen me and started to smile and pointed at me and laugh.... i laughed at him and then i went to the kitchen to drink some water; i turn around and he crawled all the way to me. i went around him and he started to cry after me, i pick him up and he hug me and held me for a long time. i didn't want to sleep, so i didn't i stayed up and watch cartoons while he slept, that's when i knew that everything was ok. my little nephew cries after me when i leave for work and get's all excited when i come back, my cousin and his fiance are great roommates.

now i told everything... i'm going to bed so i can get up early and eat ceral with corey in the morning.

db

i'm ok... but what's been going on...

2006-09-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm at a internet cafe now, i moved out of my one bedroom apartment into a two bedroom apartment. I forgot to transfer everything over before i moved in, so i had no electric 'till a day after i moved in, i have no hot water 'till tuesday because i forgot and didn't know who to call for the gas to be turned on. Also i forgot to transfer my internet... yeah.. that's been the harderst part of my life, i realize that my computer is decoration for my desk when it's not connected to the internet. It's been fun, really fun these past days.. i love I LOVE my new apartment, it has a back yard!!! i mean not one where you share with the rest of the neighbors but an actual piece of land that has grass and flowers, over-grown grass... but still it's my little of corner of the world and it's mine. I'm at peace with that, also I'm doing well with everything that evolves life. Tuesday I should have internet access and hot water... YEAH!!!! well i just wanted to update, i'm going to go and sleep now.. tired.. later.

DB

here is the MP3

2006-08-21T02:33:00.000-07:00

Yup the mp3... CLICK!!!

check this band from Tucson AZ

2006-08-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

Alright i thought this was really good and i felt that.. all everyone check it out... it's really good....

I'm more happy today then yesterday...

2006-08-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

it's been a year and it's been five.... i realize that pam and star are the same persons..... different in flesh but the same nerther the less... star you broke my heart and shown me secrets that my self couldn't even decifer.... Pam you showed me temptation that will exist... i'm ashame to love both of yo at the same time.... i'm sorry that i brought both of your lives to points that only true lovers should make decisions at.... then again star you broke my heart more than once with you cheating and lieing.... pam you'll never keep your promises..... never.. so.. i should believe in them... as much as i love both of your souls... i'll never have either of you.... so, tonight, now, today and forever i'm going to move on... today and yesterday and tomorrow there will be somebody who will want to be with me... and because of you two.... it'll never happen.. unless i know that you two were both fakes with those words of... "i love you".... never again and never more.. i'm sorry but goodbye to both of you..... i been taught more by more... good night and good bye.....

DB (finally capalize)

info

2006-08-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

The United States is the only country in the world where watching television consumes more time than employment.

lol...

2006-08-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

ok right away.... i'm sorry for the morbid posting.. but last night went further than i thought.. well last night i hang out with my friends and everything.. we went to a bar and then this and that.. it was fun.. i got a new bike too, long story and i'm feeling it now... i don't want to drink again for awhle...

rambling...

2006-08-09T04:34:00.000-07:00

a girl wrote this to me on the first night we met... in my entirity of my existance no one has shown more love than her...

ground so soft it moves when you walk on it,
i'm walking you home, where ever that may be,
you don't have an address but i love to walk you home,
drunken whispers in my ear, that's what i fear, alcoholic promisses,
breath taking smoke, take it in, blow hard... all god's children in the wind...
hold me warmly, so comfortable by yourside, no wrong with this... nothing at all...
so young and so naive.... but it's your lips that made me lose my keys... i love this already....

Star L.H. Feb. 16 03

i replied with this the next morning.... we never had sex that night, she never felt closer to anyone and i never been closer to anyone before....

Today i found a star i may not have found if i didn't have the right heart...
the right soul..... but i'm watching intently, i'm taking in every light,
taking in every breath, but am i afraid or just lost in my own dreams, to
find anything in this embrace of bloodshot eyes, drunken hiccups.. and sloppy kisses..
either way we're here and it's still morning.. holding each other, sober...
whispering i loves you with our kisses....

she replied with...

"you're my first love... don't ever forget that...."

2 years and 4 months later

i did....

i'm gave up and giving up so much for someone i know is taken.... but yet i'm ok with it... god.. i hope i made the right desicion on this.... pam has not replied and i feel i place all my cards down.. if this doesn't work out... i have lost two people i have loved.... both still make me weak in the knees...

db

upgrade 1.5

2006-08-03T03:49:00.001-07:00

Today I got a new apartment and it’s a two bedroom apartment J I’m happy with the size and everything. It even has a small back yard J Also it comes with a satellite connection which I’m happy with too… Gee, well if I didn’t mentioned before I just got a raise and I’m happy with it, happy enough that I’ll upgrade to a two bed room apartment. It’s a small house J … I realize that I’m almost done paying off ASU too which means back to school J I miss going to class so much. I just want to sit and learn again…

I still haven’t heard from pam yet, I promise as soon as I know I’ll let the world know.

more info..

2006-08-01T01:56:00.000-07:00

Left-handed people are six times more likely to die of a drug overdose than right-handed people.

This is what i'm doing....

2006-07-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

well it starts a while back like when i was in 8th grade and i met this girl name Pam. i like her a lot then and when everything seemed to go well, i found out my mother was sick and she pass away. During this time i forgot about Pam and didn't really occur to me later in high school that i had this crush. But after 4 and half years of not seeing or talking to each other i met her again, working at Burger King and it didn't occur to me that this girl is Pam. She was the nice, cool punk girl that I would never be with but i couldn't say hello too. We talk and then it all came to me, this is PAM!!! wow she grew up and out.. ;) we became friends quick and once again it seem that we were meant to be and all that good stuff. Will i was going to school at ASU and during this time i was still going to places to present my research at conference and so i was traveling. While during one trip my at that time best friend, whom i told about pam, about her likes and dislike and everything in between... went behind my back and ask her out. one week... one week... i got back and not one minute through the doors i got a phone call "It's Pam" my sister said with a smile. As i was answering i knew that i had to tell her i love her and want to be with her... i was ready, i made arrangments at a local resturant and i even bought her a necklace... which i toss at the ledge of the world... her first words was i'm with Dennis... hear broken and just broken, i couldn't imagine how that felt and i still don't... i died that day.... one freaking week, i hated everything that day, i hated everyone and i hated faith. i still hate most things and people, and i don't trust anyone.... sad isn't it.. a little event made me become more and less of a person than i am... i never figure that i was that emotional and a girl could be all my world.....

well fast forward to now, where i been in numerous relationships but always knowing that i been in love with Pam with all those people... Star was the one that i decided i needed to get over pam with, so i ask her to marry me.. we were about too.. but one night as i was lying there i realized that i was settling... that i really wanted to be with pam... but i never understood WHY? two years of nothing between us and i still felt in much as in love with pam as i first held her and told her i loved her, as i held her hand and told her that all of my heart is in her hands. I hated myself for feeling this way and still do.. but i can't help it....

on my past vacation i seen her again in almost 3 years i seen pam, and know what ii'm still in love with her and she still loves me. we talked all day and we talked... i wanted to know everything about her and i wanted her to know everything about me... she told me she would leave her BF for me, so in those words my heart felt full again.. now i'm stepping out on a limb a thin limb... i wrote a letter and it's been sent, a letter with every bit of my heart in it.. i hope to god pam says' yes and she comes to me, and this whole 8 years of us not being can finally become something.. i love her... god i made myself open to another broken heart... it'll be worth it this time.. oh yeah she said she's not happy with her current relationship... this brought an enteranal smile to me...

db

ok finally...

2006-07-30T08:36:00.000-07:00

i'll write about this one but first my vacation was much needed. I did everything when i went home, walk down the canyon and went up to black mesa. then i lost my camera at the ledge of the world, i couldn't figure it out but that moment when the cloud were swollowing the whole world up i felt that i needed to do something that day. Apparently i have unfinish business and i been just waiting for the right moment, i'm done waiting and i'm making something happen.. even without the blessings of everyone around me. Everything around me is just leaning to one answer.. i hope i'm doing the right thing...

why?

2006-07-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

The current Iraq war has cost four times more than all energy-related research, worldwide, since 1990.

Life on the rez day three

2006-07-18T23:51:00.000-07:00

It's like i took 10 years off the clock and landed here on the reservation. Nothing change at all, the dog that sits on the middle of the road in the middle of the night still does that after 4 years. I need to take a pic of that dog, no one believes that this dog just kicks it in the middle of the road. Finally got on the internet today, i been going through withdraws all week.... i brought my computer but it's just a metal box without the internet.... i'm using my dad's labtop to blog this... if anyone of you guys don't know yet, partly my fault....

I'm on a real vacation being paid right now to be on the rez. I also got promoted the day before i left for this trip, first i wanted to go to las vegas and just get crazy... but vegas will always be there... i'm spending sometime with my family i haven't seen all at once in 3 to 4 years... This place is alright i feel like a tourist here reall bad... i was taking pics all day i'll share them with all of you... i also going to see pam tomorrow..
night
db

GM and Ford this is why Asian cars are better....

2006-07-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

FACT: The overall fuel economy of U.S. consumer vehicles has declined by 17 percent since 1995.

fear pepsi

2006-07-15T01:25:00.000-07:00

Pepsi Cola vending machines are three times as likely as Coca-Cola machines to tip over and injure someone.

today and middle east....

2006-07-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

so much violence... over reacting to situations that could be forgiven... nothing to do but wait for this to happen war and it's followers... can you feel it the 80 dollars of barrel rolling our way, we cry about 3 dollars at the pump... when this war really starts imagine 4 to 5 dollars a gallon.. right now it's 77 dollars a barrel and soon 80 dollars that's just the announcement of the war, until war actually happens we wish that our american companies (ford and GM) didn't kill off the electric car and bio-fuel cars... george bush's oil company had their hands in those deals.... america is going to prosper from this and i don't mean we as single americans but what america is really about corporations and more corporations.. yesterday i bought oil for the first time in 6 months...i tasted vomit in my mouth... i feel dirty...
db

day off...

2006-07-12T00:53:00.000-07:00

everything is just fine today.. no worries.. just kicking it.... smooth.. almost liquid today...
db

i just got done watching Pirates of the Carribean..

2006-07-06T03:50:00.000-07:00

yeah i can't spell but hey it's 4am and it's not on my mind... well right way.. i love this movie it was great it's like two and half hours long but worth the whole sitting down and yeah.. pirates arrgh.. love it...
db

her and the guitar....

2006-07-03T02:22:00.000-07:00

wow... ok right now i can't help it but i have a crush on a girl.. i mean it's like i'm in high school again... and i can't help it when i go straight to her and just talk about random things just to hear her laugh or smile. I tell everything about me and i'm nervous and anxious and just jumpy around her...I have not felt like that in a while and it seems as each day passes by, i'm making sure that she notices me... :P lol.. wow... it's all funny to me, it's like i'm just a kid again.....

i think she like me too..... yeah i believe she does.... oh yeah it's 120% obvious that i like her, trust me when everyone seen me around her. Everyone i mean everyone said that i need to ask her out and that it's so obvious that i like her.. i mean i smile, i really smile when i see her.... my friends are all teasing me about it, oh yeah when we both met we basically had the same outfit too.... lol.. i was wearing my black TOOL shirt, black slacks, and boots with a black and gold beaded necklace. As of her she was wearing the same TOOL shirt and everything else black too... we even wore black socks... and...

she was this reddish brownish hair which she told me is natural... which is beautiful, so adoring so important she is too me... i want to reach for her hands sometimes.. damn.. damn.. these feelings all these feelings so old too me and so new.... it's more confusing than anything....

i forgot how to ask out a girl :(
courage, confidence, smile.. and just hope she doesn't have boyfriend/crush she hasn't told me about... please...

db

con't north....

2006-06-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

i want to go home for awhile, i'm taking a week off and more to do that.... this month has just been chaos... a year ago from today star was here with me and we both made plans..... we split.. it was over... last week she called me and wanted me to tell her how i felt about everything that was.... i'm being pulled back into her life... i won't answer calls or texts messages anymore.... i'm tired of trying... i want to sleep.
db

cloaks and daggers AKA work...

2006-06-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

well it seems that work is going fine, the news that come from the closure notice also come with news, weeks later of course... they're building a new theatre and there will be 15 to 19 managers over 130 floor staff and 3 senior managers.. lol.. it's a of employees. well yesterday my boss gave me duties and responbilites of a senior manager... i'm not sure what's this new GM plan is but i'm not really sure of her in the first place... Really i'm expecting a phone call from a lab that i can work at, gee i really want that job... that is really my passion to work in a lab....

db

Drinking and sipping on her soul....

2006-06-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

it's all the same to me.. but she's all the worth of everything..
db

a litttle something, a dose of after thought...

2006-06-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

While i was reading and just talking to my friends, one question come up.."Dwayne why don't you buy a car.." well i thought to myself, i just hate to contribute to of it all. I don't know, i believe if i buy a gallon of oil, i'm supporting bush and all his ties to all his evil doings. I don't know more and more i think of it, i feel that he's trying not to be a great or even a good president but i see as he is trying to be the last president.... you getting it.. yeah.. i think bush has finally convince me that voting republican in the past two elections has seal my deal that i help end the world.... god and ever since i found that bush and congress approved the oil drilling in Alaska it just broke my heart... why... right now i feel comfort knowing that something big will happen and it'll just show that everyone needs to stop and just live and not comulate what is thought to be worth something. all in all i don't want a car because i don't want to be filling up my tank for 80 dollars... think about it, reports are saying gas might be 4 dollars a gallom!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn.. if those electic cars that were produce in the 90's actually caught on, think of it 40cents to charge your car.. fuel cells, water combustable, HHO+ fuel.. if don't know what that it is, it's water converted into a combustle fuel. It's clean and has been running a car in michigan for a year now... and know what that engine is so clean and also one thing... 4 OZ OF WATER DRIVES THIS CAR FOR 400 MILES but know what OIL companies have our society, government and market in it's evil grips... behold the beginning of profit of thieves and most of all war drives it all. war is so profitable now, it's never going to stop... never... and hippies who protested these thoughts are now CEO's of these war machines... bush you puppet; you fuck us all...

db

4 quarters never make a dollar

2006-05-29T04:05:00.000-07:00

ok, my boss comes back tomorrow and going to make the plans of what and how things are going to be. Some of the managers, if they choose can move up in the company, other's will do what they do in the new theatre.. more news on that soon... well i'm pretty sure i'm going to start looking for a new place, first i'm going back to the reservation for a well deserved rest. i haven't felt that place in years and as much as i told myself i'll never go back... it's always a part of me, like a soft ambient noise in the back of my mind. As i rummage through my old pages of my hand written journals, i realize i'm always looking for something... or someone... either way i'm still looking... today my friend is moving back to CA and i feel that i lost a good conversation friend, we talk about everything and a lot of nothing..... well, my friend is going to be promoted too and i finally i can hang out with another co-manager... it sucks my other co-managers i can't hang out with, none of them has anything in common with me... but i'm going to a Mets game on june 9th in Phoenix, a small gift like a congrats gift to my friend. i'm happy with his promotion, everyone else isn't thou.. why? i don't know.

Well news: they're going to build a bigger more of a start of the Art theatre right down the street from the older theatre. In fact it'll be closer to me than the one i work at now, there will be 4 senior managers and 1 GM.. rumor is that my name is in the picks of one of the senior managers positions.. but i don't believe it nor do i see it..

last night my other co-workers all went to a party and everyone was invited but no one invited me... *sign... i thought i was getting along with them; i even take on extra shifts so they get their little get together's but last night i was off and no invite. i'm tired.. good night..

db

it all comes together....

2006-05-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

ok today news got to me that the theatre will close soon and after hearing this i realized that some how i already knew. Maybe that explains that i need to move on and keep going lol... it makes sense... oh well they will either move to another theatre, but know what i think i made my mark here and now that their is option for me to go back to school. i'm going to take it, colorado your cold but your promising...
db

X-men...

2006-05-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

ok, i just got done watching X-men and it's 2:44 am, i watch it by myself and yes.. i'm happy... the directing could be better and well.. i wish that some of the characters had more roles, i don't want to ruin it for anyone but i do have to tell you this one thing. Stay after the credits end... why? go find out....
db

:)

2006-05-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

i been listening to TOol these past days and the new album is just awesome, damn.. it's just awesome. well the past week everything is just setting in place and more and more i just want to leave this place. I'm not sure where too... but i think i want to go home. Tempe is not the life for me and it seems that i wasn't suppose to be here. I'm not struggling at all, my finances are fine... more money than i need... but either way. Money, friends and nothing better to do, i'm still not happy here.... even if i finish school or not, this place would still be the same to me.. i don't know why i wanted to be here in the first place. Where must i go to find my place, when is the time for me to find these places.. but really i haven't written anything is because i have nothing going in my life right now... it's work, sleep and routine.. boring.. i know i can change it, but really how much relationships does it take to say not anymore not now, not again.... i'm tired and it feels i gave out so much of me, that i'm no longer myself.... let me breath and i'll tell you secrets...

db

trapped..

2006-05-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

i don't want to lose myself in this but i'm just thinking of something that will switch my bearings and make me focus on something i haven't in awhile. choice, future and more choices... lol... life.. well ... it's 3:52 and i'm still up still wondering if i should wonder in the mind of my last mind.... my friend john who i like to hang out with a lot, is not like by my other friends. I don't know.. it's been awhile since i had a friend like john... he's a good guy...

db

new hair cut..

2006-05-18T02:36:00.000-07:00

as i was sitting there getting my hair cut, they stylist was asking some personal questions and sharing a lot of information. well i don't talk much when i get a hair cut, and i don't really like too.. i have to take off my glasses when i get a haircut. Which i don't like talking without, mainly due to the fact i can't nothing.. i mean nothing without them... i would walk into walls if i didn't know the layout of the room.
well back to the haircut, the stylist is talking about life and how we can all over come obstacles... well like the dark sided person i am, i bring up 2012 and the bible codes and the mayan calender. I tell her that in a few years no one would need to worry about anything but only be happy with the past actions we decided to make. She look at me but i couldn't tell her expression on her face. Because i couldn't SEE her face, so i sorta of stop and supported her belief and ideals.... i pulled it off and made myself look less of an asshole. then she talks about hair silky and smooth my hair is and should grow it longer.. i giggled and said nothing.. then she asks me personal questions, if i had a Girlfriend or kids, what do i do for a job/living... then my future... she told me that i was handsome and my facial features has a strong present like pay attention to me present and my voice easy to listen too... LOL... by this time my face is blushing and i couldn't say anything to her because i couldn't SEE her... damn.. lol... but she said i was first person interesting to talk too all day... mostly i just listen to what she had to say.. when it was all over, she wash my hair and this was in the back room and way from public view. She told me to call her or something, in her words "You should call me, we could have fun..." i smiled and said sure.. not really meaning because i was blind by then. Look at it this way, i'm that horse with a blanket over it's head right now i have to guided everywhere. I payed and tip really well and bought some hair gel which gives her commission.. and she gave me phone number.

I look at her with my glasses on... i called her back this evening...

i been dating a lot now, but with still have no ideal what i'm looking for...
maybe i'm not looking, maybe i'm waiting... filling in space and time...
for who? for what? when?

we ate and went to a movie walk around ASU and then back to her place. got a kiss and i came back here.

db

ok slap me... yeah...

2006-05-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

alright the reason i haven't wrote anything is because i went to the TOOL concert... and you should slap me now.. i bought the tickets off ebay.. yes i bought them like 50x more than they really cost.. so i cancelled my internet connection for a month and just finally friday i got it reconnected.... i had to cancel other services i use... but with what i paid for the tickets, i can say it could be a downpayment for a mid-size car.. lol.. but know what it was worth it.. my tool addiction is fix and this fall they're coming back.. and yeah.. it's been a long two weeks... i'm happy thou, work is fine and my dating/love life is fine no complaints, right now i'm going to surprise my dad by going to chinle next month and this will be my first time in maybe three years... yeah and i over a "emotional lump" i had for someone for years, i'm going on and yeah 2012 keeps coming up all around, i had a dream and then a History channel documentry about bible codes. Other events kept coming up about it too... *yawn i'm going to get a hair cut now, it's freaky long...
db

this is all of it... smile and win....

2006-04-25T03:46:00.000-07:00

i'm here waiting for the biggest whatever... i'm here standing singing all the joys that come to me, i'm here and wishing it'll be okay and i'm here never wanting more than i want... i'm here just wondering into your eyes again, here i am, here i am, here i am, and we're waiting for our lives to begin, hello here i am, waiting for you to hi again, i can't find the instant of you when your not here, i'm can't find the ease you bring to me, today was for waiting and today i'm singing once again....
--------------

today i went to a comic book store, i was hanging out with my new friend. The one i went on date with, no she's not my girlfriend. But we're playing with the ideal, she's been relationships where she always got hurt at the end. Both of us don't want that and now we're taking it super slow, not even a rush... everday we learn something from each other. but yeah anyway, back to the comic book store... we were there and pick some comics out and talk about our favorite superheros and how they actually represented the strengths we wanted as children, and the weakneses we have now as adults. It keep us there for 2 hours in that store, and all the while we were holding hands... she keep saying how her past relationships kept her from enjoying these sort of trips in these stores. Soon i find out she like RPG's and of course World Of Warcraft.... LOL, LMAO... I play WOW (world of warcraft) and we are there holding our weakneses, strengths and then each other. Two nerds, two geeks and we're both proud of it, i don't want to lose this....

db

I am so f%#king piss....

2006-04-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

ok... i was so close to getting TOOL tickets at a small venue, i miss out.. now when they are playing i know that they are right down the street and i'm not there... i hate it... i'm tired... now i have to wait for a year before they come back... so damn close... so close...

loser geek....

2006-04-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

i feel i'm been trying to find the original of everything and i'm only finding out that everyone around me is saying everything i need to say.... it's unreal to see the real you holding on to that first dream we had of us being true lovers, and it's all gettting better in the worse way... and it's all ok, it's all alright that no one agrees with you and me, it's all right to feel the now and only live for today, lying beside you was the best time i had in years.... all in all i'm just a boy and your just a girl still figuring out that we're crazy doing the things we do... it's only going to get better and everyone is going to hate us for it, dark skin and light skin is what they'll see, but they are just diminishing...

```````````

today was great everyone, first i woke up *good times* and then i lay in bed for hours, i slept for hours with no care, then i got up; got ready and took a walk, then i went on another date :) we hate at a indian bistro and god it was so good.. and it was just her and me.. it's all ok.. it's all for the now, and i'm learning new things all around me... it's just getting better...

db

everything and more...

2006-04-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

well i just got off the phone with someone i thought i would never talk too the way we talked. Have you ever met someone that you knew you weren't going to get along with but then for some odd reason you just can't them out of your head? I spent hours talking to someone and now it's like damn... what am i doing? well we talk earlier yesterday, sunday that is, early in the morning around 7am to begin. Discussing some things that were important to one of us, i don't remember but i knew it could have been resolved with two sentences, but we both made effort to actually get up early on Easter and meet each other at a coffee shop we both knew was going to be open. We talk all the way up to 4 pm in the afternoon, i had to leave for other arrangments but i didn't, i didn't feel like it... but i had to go to work and break down prints for a friend. I don't like to break arrangments.... she walk me to where i needed to be, she skip church to talk, i stop the world around me for her... she wore her soft dress and sandals, smell so sweet, i was no more than myself... she is not a rocker, not punk, not a metal girl.. a normal girl, with a normal attitude... pretty, nothing to really write home about but yet something to blog about.... dirty blond hair and wants to be a teacher for an elementry, political, smart, very open conversations... she called to say hi, we talk for 8 hours, i called her to say hi, we talk 'till we both had to go to work/class. after we had dinner. her nails are perfectly shape with her fingers and her fingers are elegant with her hands... her hands fit perfect in my hands... dark skin.. white skin... contrast like dusk and dawn.. filter by impression of need, want and lust... but as it is i can never be with her. ironic and sad, she knows this too... forgive me...

db

mexico and more....

2006-04-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

i just got back from a good trip it was fun.. and just fun.. went to mexico and kick it on the beach and party at night. It felt it'll never stop. Long journey back thou, but everything good the trip was well planned even at short notice. 90 dollars can go a long ways in mexico just so much to say about it, everyday has a story of it's own. I really needed this vacation the kick ass part is that i used my PTO and i didn't lose any work hours at all. i'll still have like 40 hours of PTO in July i'll go back to northern arizona to visit some family and cut some ties from people that i no longer want to know... i thought a lot about it and i just to put the past in the past and i'm starting from new, no one to put me back in the past. July is also when i'll buy a car, so far i have enough to place a down payment, but i want to pay for more than half for a car. So, that i don't have to worry about too much and yeah it'll just be easier for me... alright i'm off need to take a shower and go to work, yeah i just got back at this moment... crazy...

db

i'm tired of this....

2006-04-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

what am i to do, what am i to say, rythem.... please please forgive me, i'm so tired of trying, i'm so tired of waiting... i'm so tired of playing, trust when i say cutting myself makes me feel so alive, so complete, i'm not what you think of me, honestly...
i mean it too...
i i'm so sorry...
guilt...
i feel so bad because of it....
i really believe REALLY BELIEVE I should have died years ago....
god i hate you for making me into something i hate, feelings, choice, faith.. i don't want it, just let me die already i'm so sick of this game you play with everyone..
db

two poems.. written back in time.... resurrected for your enjoyment..

2006-04-06T03:19:00.000-07:00

1. mother i'm tired of all this... time is mauling my soul and i don't want to understand the art of falling. falling out of sleep, falling out of reach, this maybe the last goodbyes... i found i'm wasting my life and i haven't given up on these lies, i'm crawling to sleep, crawling to next tuesday... i want to rest and retry but i'm leaving it all behind, leaving it all behind... i'm falling with all the dead leaves, i went to fall off one last time and i found myself digging myself up.. mother i tried and my soul is too ravage by time.... i'm grown cold.

2. lights went out fast and i found the last song being sung by you... i saw you there, you were crying all over the world, and the lights went out fast and the wheels screech to a halt and i found you spilling all your life on the pavement, where has your heart gone too? tear me apart from you, tear me up so i'll never end up like you... too late. i saw you there praying to heavens, praying that heaven may seem insane for taking your life away. i hope you land safely when you fall, because i'll fall with you, holding your hand all through the darkness i failed.

just want to say....

2006-04-04T04:47:00.000-07:00

In the past my words really had a meaning, now i'm ramble on and on things i have really no clue about anymore. I made a mistake and now i realize, why so late? why right now at this moment? i won't ever understand it, i'll never understand the forces behind it, i suffered enough of these thoughts and now i must just figure out what i'm going to do. Wow, i didn't understand early, sooner, it could have saved me from me...

2004
A person who i loved and cared for so much had a life that we both created in her beautiful body. She felt that this new creation would only hold me back and was afraid that it would split us into two different entities like most natives couples do. I never knew until one morning, until a close friend of hers' told me of her plans, far too late, far too late to realize it's implications on my consious. It all started...

She went to a bar found another man and slept with him and made sure people knew of it, especially my friend, word got to me... heart break... heart break.. soul burning.. hate growing.. soul freezing... want to cry, want to feel something else.. want to feel free... this is what i went through in milli-seconds for a long time. He came to me and i carved my name in his chest so he'll never forget me... never... cruel act but nothing for me to be proud of, set in place were violence is only solutions. Wish to be peaceful ending, nothing close... she said the baby was his, that his child was in her.... as i heard that, my life was worthless, so i left them alone and i swallowed my own darkness, no feeling, no memories, no reaction, self pain makes everything feel ok... never thought of anything peacefull as internal rest... Later i find she killed the baby inside of her, abortion was her solution to a question never asked... my heart still beats for moments i never met...

Months later, time healed, memories fading, but still hurting... missing her soft lips, her soft hands, her body next to mine ever night, her blanket still smells of her, her presence following me like a decaying dream, smelling sweet of deceit...

I drank one night, i drank and drank never thinking of what my actions will produce. I took a girl by her hand and held it, I closed my eyes and said that name of the girl that held my heart in her hands... by this time she was holding it hundreds of miles away... i close my eyes thinking of her and not this girl holding my hand, i would do anything to myself to get my heart back... the girl next to me pulled my hand closer to her body, my body followed, she held me close and she whispered read me poetry like the way you read to her, hold me like the way you held her, kiss me.... kiss me... time passes and i'm laying next to her, lost and confused, not really caring because this is what she is doing her self a few hundred miles away... the girl laying next to me talks about her, the one a few hundred miles away, and begins to say how she envied us, how everyone believed we meant to be and how in love we both look.... she says more such words, while my heart just sank deeper, teaching myself not to react not to care, no more tears... she than speaks of the innocent life in between all of it... she pauses, she begins, she pauses, i realize i'm with a close friend of my ex-lover, so many secrets i heard that night, so many more heart breaks i dealt.... then she holds my hand to say, "i'm sorry she got rid of it, you two were really meant to be... it was your child not his." She told me everything that night, she needed too, she was also my friend too...

I never breathed since... i catch every breath in my throat and choke... I understand now, where all this was leading too....

db

more...

2006-03-29T01:03:00.000-07:00

I love you...
db

the strokes...

2006-03-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

I really like the concert, play all my favorite songs and everything was just great i'll post pics later, tired.. going to bed.. night..
db

People and their drugs...

2006-03-21T15:37:00.000-07:00

well over the past weeks i been gathering new friends and spending a good amount of time with them. As diverse as they are i know they use different types of drugs, and i when say drugs it ranges from prescription ritalin all the way to cocaine. I personally don't use drugs and i haven't for a long time, beside the whole extra strength vicoden, which i can say proudly haven't taken in awhile. I don't want to keep count, it makes the whole ordeal less pointless, but either way i'm off the vicoden. well back to my friends, some ask why i don't smoke marijuana and personally it's not my drug. I don't like having control of my body and my thoughts, and marijuana just really doesn't let control anything... of course alcohol is the same way.... But i also realize that the difference is one is illegal and the other not, for some of my friends including myself feel that if marijauna was legal we would be buying packs. So in regards to that i won't do illegal drugs at all, also there some out there that i don't even want in my body at all.... last thing i need to be is a crack head, or Glass cleaner....

Well things brings me to Saliva Divinorum a plant from the south americas where people sell from head shops. This stuff is quite a hullingenic, it's not illegal but rather legal to sell and use in the privacy of homes... some of my friends are ok with it, and some are oh ok.. cheap high.. what ever.... either way i'm going to try it and really there is no medical research on this plant. I should i listen to the scientist in my head or fall to peer pressure? i'll inform on my action... but right now i'm need to get ready for

THE STROKES CONCERT!!!!

db

A letter i wrote years back...

2006-03-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

As time passes on i'm begin to only realize i'm not afraid to share anything about my pass, either it be hurtfull or just sad... the best will be my happiness moments shared with the rest of the world... it feels like i'm just beginning to learn how to breath... i won't say who this is too, it was written a while back and mailed off a long time ago, as i read it now.. i just realize how young i was and how young i felt back then. Now as i reflect on it, i don't think i can write anything like this again, well not to anyone in mind.... maybe again some other time, another life...

Letter:

Dear Name Less (NL):

Part 1: “The Tale of Sun and Earth”. Think of the sun and earth. Look at how the sun as it gives light to the earth. Of the light the earth produces everything that is beautiful, flowers, trees, you and I. Not once does the sun ever ask for anything in return, it just enjoys the beauty that it and the earth produces. The sun baths the earth in it’s light, in its love, a warm hold, a warm kiss, and yet it never asks for anything in return. Is that true love? I believe it is… this is how I want to love you.
"NL", I was suppose have sent this letter today but I keep rewriting it over and over. I want to write something as beautiful as your writing. Truly your letter is with such feelings that it appeals to me in a way that I can’t describe. Well you have always appealed to me, since the first time I laid eyes on you. I want to capture what I feel on paper, in words, but it’s hard. I want to say things like… ‘You’re the force that holds my universe together, you’re the earth I want to shine for, you’re the reason I look up at the stars and wish for your presence…’ I want to make this letter really great, that it make you smile, a smile that I wish I could see everyday. Maybe I’m putting too much on myself but I want to express myself the best way possible.
"NL", everyday since the day I been with you, I knew that I could love you, and I do. I have only found that I have only begun loving you. I have only begun shining for you. Since the day I have been with you a certain feeling of comfort and trust came over me. In my own nature I don’t naturally trust and feel comfortable around people, but with you I feel comfortable and I trust you. Being around you I smiled didn’t feel awkward, not one feeling out of place. Eventually I began to believe that the center of the universe was us, when we held each other. That was one of the reasons I wanted a picture of you, to see your smile, your eyes, the face that I know I could worship and love for years to come. NL nothing compares to the feelings and reasons that faith may give to me, to love you. Even if it wasn’t destined for us by the stars, I truly love you, and for that I would deny every star in the heavens to show you I love you. Believe me.

Part 2: “The Watchers”. Think of this. The sun shines for the earth. The earth produces life, where does the night and day sky fit in this? I believe that the two skies is the balance between the two symbolic lovers. The day sky is warm, a comforting warm embracement, like the one we both yearn for at night, from each other. Day sky is the soft kisses, the small, but vital, whispers of ‘I love you,’ it’s the feeling of knowing that when one lover feels the absence of the other; the shared memories are most comforting. The day sky is the watcher of the moment that both lovers share, the reminder. The night sky is the vastness of possibilities of the two lovers, the future. Just like the night sky the future is unknown, cold, unfamiliar, yet we can’t stop gazing at it, stop wishing upon it. With each twinkling star there’s a promise to be made, an opportunity to harbor. What future holds for two promising lovers? Only the stars can tell, only they have the light to guide us. They’re guiding me to you. They guided us together.
You know what at night I want to pray that I’ll be with you soon. It’s strange for me to want to pray, but for you I want too. No one has ever had that affect on me before. If I did I wouldn’t know how to begin, whom to pray too. God? Jesus? The deities? In the letter you wrote you said, that you wanted me to wait for you. I want to be with you, and I want to wait for you. I hope it’s a short wait, because I want to be by your side. If it’s not, I’ll still be waiting for you. I want to be with you, I want to wake up beside you ever morning and know I’m a lucky man to have you "NL" in my life. There would be nothing greater than that. I love you... I miss you…

Always yours, always…

waiting for another you....

2006-03-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

mind full of words only stutters come out, then i say.. oh what little i have known of you but your so still part of my head... i wake and feel only comfort in memories long past, long forgotten only to be reminded by the cold walls that hold nothing more then my sanity in place. i write and sing for you only to find you holding another man's head in your lap... kissing and whispering everything my ears wish to hear, tired of holding your walls up, tired of being your foundation, i'm moving on without any regret or remorse, hold on to what ever but not me ever again...
db

that was something i wrote a while back, not really good but something i don't really remember what i was thinking because last week i was getting about average 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day, maybe less... sometimes it felt a whole lot less.. i would doze off standing up... it's been a long week too, it feels it's been a 14 day weekend, i don't know, i need a new fire alarm too.. like my last post says we did something to it... but really i don't remember what i did exactly, but hey the buzzing sound is not there anymore.... hmm.... hmmm... just thought of something just now, maybe it was a carbon monoxide alarm... i need both, today will be a journey to walmart i was thinking of getting a fish too.. with a huge fish tank, mainly because fish don't run away.... my new cat ran off too... damn.. i suck.. i really suck.. my poor kitty, i have a pic i'll try to post it later..... damn i really feel bad about that one.. i don't where he has gone too, probably ran off with some girl cat, i don't know...

db

it's cool...

2006-03-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

My friend and i are here just looking at the screen.. and trying to find a beeping sound in my apartment, he says people... ok found the beepping sound.. i don't have a smoke alarm anymore.. fuck it right? yeah fuck it...... oh yeah his girl is cherokee, mad props.. mad props.. yeah it's late... but yeah... lol... oh yeah just got back from ihop too..more props.. ihop.. yum...

myspace site....

2006-03-13T01:53:00.000-07:00

yes i sold my soul and i sold it too myspace... it was peer pressure from my friends... now you can too can read myspace stuff...my space account

db

I used to be part of this acting thing... check it out.

2006-03-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah one summer along time ago, i acted for a whole summer as a job... but really i didn't get paid... lol.. but it was all fun to me..
CLICK ME AND SEE IT!!!! and then click the 2003 something title to see pics... of me pretending to be a bird or something... i get a kick out of it... lol....
DB

connections

2006-03-12T02:40:00.000-07:00

if everything is such a drag then why am i wasting my time on that feeling? well... first thinking and finally get some sleep... i become to realize that first i have good family, 2nd i enjoy the characters i run by everyday... i just wish i ran into more... 3rd i thought i was mad about where i am in life but really i'm better off where i am then i thought. Because if i didn't show restraint from the temptations of my past really i don't think i would be alive... well i never said i wanted an easier life, just a more interesting one. Well first i need to be less anti-social and by that i began my first random friendship with some random person.. LOL.. I haven't done that in such a while, usually my friends come from connections from friends i already have. Yeah it was at a borders bood store where i started this social thing... it was sort of out of my character to talk to strangers. I have that motif of an quiet, good, stoic indian character when i go into the public. It was fun and now i have plans with this new friend.... it's fun... signing off... db

2006-03-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

canyon de chelly
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more rain..

2006-03-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

i ran in the rain. i drank the rain and wash my hair in the rain. i feel so clean... i feel forgiven, it makes me miss more and more of monument valley and canyond de chelly when it rains, especially right before it down pours and the dirt smells so good... it makes one want to eat it.. and i do... juniper.. rain, dirt and sandstone... desert...
db

rain.

2006-03-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

IT'S RAINING.... FINALLY... OH MY GOD IT'S RAINING, I'M SO HAPPY TODAY JUST BECAUSE OF THAT, GOD I HAVEN'T SMELLED RAIN IN SUCH A LONG TIME....
DB

sleep?????

2006-03-10T04:40:00.000-07:00

when can i sleep? i don't want to take anymore vicoden, yes i been taking it too sleep. opiates and sleep, i notice the changes in my attitude i'm more upbeat and smiling when i take it but at the same time i'm not all there. I can't explain it but it feels good... especially when i need to feel something, i'm haven't been happy on my own for a long time... lately everything has been building up around me and i just felt stuck. the pills really have been helping me feel better about a lot of things. numb all the time. but this past week i toss the rest of the pills out because i know enough chemistry that i'm actually feeling the affects of obvious addiction. i never had an addictive personality and i don't want to test that either, but since i been off the pills. I haven't slept at all, i been up and just trying to do something with my extra time, walking and writing mostly. i beginning to hate TV more and more.. god thank god for TLC and discovery channel, i think i have only those two channels on memory recall. Also because i haven't been hungry lately either, i been reading thou... a lot of writing thou. oh yeah one more thing...

i'm not with val anymore, a long distance relationship does not work out especially when both are busy through out the day most of the time. no hard feelings.

sleeping... it's really not happening and i'm not seeing it happening tonight again... it's 5 am and still laying in the dark tapping at the wall. i'm not sure but i feel that i'm getting paranoid too... it's weird like i feel someone is crawling around the floor while i try to sleep.... yeah i might need to buy some sleeping pills tomorrow and get like 10 plus hours of sleep. force sleep that's when i get nightmares... damn i hate those too... i just hate sleeping.. i wish i could drive to a friend's house this late and just talk to someone. I used to do that at Chinle, i would drive to Pam's house anytime of the night and she'll be up and we'll smoke and sit at the canyon edge. we would always keep each other from hurting ourselves, she was the only person who understood the darker sides of me.... i need a friend like that here....

db

new pic...

2006-03-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

i place a pic up in my profile... so yeah.. nothing happen today i been trying to sleep but i haven't so far... but everything is fine.
db

SNL Natalie Portman rap LOL

2006-03-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

NIGHT WATCH

2006-03-07T02:53:00.000-07:00

ok, i seen this movie twice so far and tomorrow will be my third. first it was by myself and 2nd it was with a friend, now tomorrow it will be a crowd. I want everyone to watch this movie, it's really good if you like vampires and shapeshifters it's really really good. It's in russian and subtitled but the subtitles themselves are part of the movie.... finest import in awhile, it's up there with my picks of City of God, and i can't recall other imports right now... but yes i really enjoyed this movie.. oh yeah another import was an turkish movie... actually made in germany but featured turkish characters, i forgot the title but it won a "golden bear" equlavent to an oscars i believe.
db

dizzy and sleepy....

2006-03-06T03:51:00.000-07:00

well today has been really good, i just got a really good job offer one that pays commission and more per hour. I'll be working with someone i really get along with. In fact i can say she is one of my best friends and that we'll be working together would just kick ass. But one job to the next, should i quit my job now and start all over at another job? will i be happy there, i'm not really with the job i have now. In fact i'm bored, but i don't want to quite on anyone and leave like 50 hours a week uncovered. i wouldn't do that, i'm not that sort of person to do those things. Here the easiest way i can say it is by this quote i heard from someone but don't know who originally said it.. "Talent with no work ethnics is no talent at all" I have good work ethnics, gee i can't spell or that it's 4 am and i been up for almost 24 hours now.. i need some rest. But yeah, juggle pay increase but not a manager, or stay and deal with what i know... Don't know i may do both for a couple of weeks and make up my mind of the two... oh yeah i'll being paid like 400 hundred more with the other job, that's what i'm guessing with average commission and hours work.... that makes me a really good living. :)

but i'm still considering school and all that... i'll figure out something.
db

a dream to think about....

2006-03-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

Well i just woke up from a night mare, the one that just scares you half to death. You know the one that you can't figure quick enough if you were dreaming or not. So, your in this alert mood and just checking everything, making sure your safe. I woke up screaming in my pillow, punching and kicking the brick wall against my bed... I didnt realize what was really going on but the sharp pain stop me... this happen the other day and this time i woke up without the punching and screaming. Ever since i been just thinking about it about how i woke up and what i dreamt about. In Navajo traditions dreams can tell a person a lot of things about how they are living their lives. It really made me stop and look at everything i was doing and make sure that everything i'm doing is not harmfull to anyone including myself and in balance.... i don't understand, it's a lot of stuff to say i'm not balance "harmony" with my traditional teachings. I don't know but as now i'm been having the same dream and it's waking me up, i might be sleep walking too. here is an description of the dream, if anyone have any translation it may help...

I'm walking and everything is at dusk everything is in the evening gray and i'm thinking beautiful. The sun is only glowing over the horizon and the stars are half showing. i'm walking and feeling like i'm not moving from where i'm at, then i realize that people are around me. I feel that they are making me not move in any direction and i try to call out for their names. But when i do i speak in Navajo and they shake their heads and woot back at me. I try to see their faces but only see a flat face with a mouth, nose and a flat surface where the eyes should be. I'm become more scared of what's going on and then a snake is crawling through these people, low where they can't see it and fast. It goes to my feet and then it wraps itself around it self where it's head is tuck in between it's curls. Making the snake a mace like shape, or hammer the tail becomes rigid and the skin all around it becomes rock hard and heavy. i pick it up knowing i shouldn't but then i have no choice. I begin to swing at the crowd, i hit a good amount in the head, it's weird i feel bad because i know they don't know what's hitting them. some try to hold me but they let go as i charge through them. Once i get through i begin to run and the snake wraps it self around my arm and then my chest. I stop at a rock and i begin to pull off the snake off my body, it's resisting and i know it just protected me and helped me, but i can't have it on me i'm not suppose too. Then as soon as i get it off a person comes up to me, but i know this person and i trust this person, i even say hi and hold out my hand to shake his/her. I never know if this is an female or male, because ever time it seems i'm not facing it, but i know who it is and not really all in the same time... i relax against the rock and the person places his/her arms over me. The hand covering the area over my heart and it whispers, but the whispers sound like a sobbing cry, that's when i relize this person shouldn't be here, and it's holding me. When i mean here, i mean that person should be dead, or that person shouldn't be near me, or that person shouldn't be touching me. That sort of feeling came from this person. That's when the spiders like shadows comes out of my chest and start to crawl over my face, i pull them off but they're all sticky and each spider pulled off more come out. that's when i start to fight off the person who seems to be holding me down, that's when i wake up screaming and or kicking/punching.

I HATE TO SLEEP....

db

a long weekend....

2006-03-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

wow it's been a long weekend, family here all weekend and more. Had a chance to go home to chinle for a weekend, change my mind about that trip. i'm not sure how i feel today, everything seems a little plain today. I guess that's ok considering how i was feeling this past weekend. I'm already getting ready for the fall semester :) i'm just going to finish school and not worry about anything for awhile, stay from the reservation as long as possible and then eventually go back... for some odd reason. *sign i'm not sure if i found a place to feel confortable at, tempe is ok it's not really anything to brag about... ABQ is just as worse... i need to finish school. thanks for reading.
db

Music and more...

2006-02-26T01:43:00.000-07:00

well i'm here writing this little passage in front of my little sister and teaching her how to use her new MP3 player yes, i donate my time :)... yes i'm kind and all that.. well last night i went to the local High school basketball playoffs and there were so many natives everywhere. I even ran into relatives i haven't seen in 4 four or more, some of them were like who is this guy i'm hugging.... then it pops in their mind.. oh snap this is my little nephew... well not little anymore..... *sigh..

it was fun but once i told them that i was only taking a class not quite finish with school yet them seem to be disappointed. High hopes lost in a few words of like yeah, i'm just working and going to school. Instead of yeah i graduated on time, and working with new degree at a high paying job, yes i think of you guys too.. so on and so on... well i take their body language and more personal and be hurt about it... but know what... i left that arena with more confidence than i ever left any place... I'm going to stop spending my money on stupid little things and save my money and go back to school full time, take my language courses that i been setting on the side telling myself i'll finish them next semester. Damnit I DON'T WANT MY FAMILY TO SEE ME AS SOMETHING THAT COULD TO THAT WAS.... i don't want to be that one person in the family that was so close but never.... I want to finish school and travel the world dammit... damn.. i just want to curse and swear right now, I need to make myself proud and stop thinking it's ok where i'm at, one class what was i thinking, i need to do what ever one does and take out loans and go to school full time. Yes i never took a loan out for school, i been very penny pinchy with my education and that's taking me a long to finish, when i pay for everything... one class what am i thinking.. loans... grants, scholarships.. first i need to go full time and then i can get the last two with good grades... sorry everyone i just needed to say something about this.

db

A night to keep bloggin about....

2006-02-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

well let's say the concert to the Horror pops was really awesome, i'm so happy with the concert. Horror pops freaking rock and i just enjoyed myself there, Marque theartre is a great place to see a show. Well unless you get closer to them like the launch pad at Albuqueque NM... then that's a whole different story. I seen tiger army at the launch pad and that is so small it feels like your just part of the concert it's awesome. but i'm happy with the marquee performance and i just enjoyed the entire show...

The rockbillys' girls that came out to the show were just as hot as always... i love those types of girls, all dolled up and hair done... tattoos and more... gee.. well it was all just eye candy, eye candy... i went with my friend who is also going to the strokes with me. She's my concert buddy and been going to concerts since i met her at Abq. NM, she had fun too. After the concert i got drop off at my house and then...

well i bought something online last night and now i have to pick up or wait 3 business days to be drop off at my door. I rather pick it up it's a 15 minute drive, well after that i was getting ready to go to bed and then my phone rang.... the beginnning of a ending relationship with a good friend started witht that rang. Well a friend called and was drunk as hell and just going off on me, saying that i made him look bad at work and in life in general and that i should watch out. I didn't think much of it and then a email came and now i'm just like, "oh ok" now everyone expects us to fight... I know how does everyone know about this already, well lets say it's rumor factor times 5 when most of your friends work with you. Well it's none of my doing and i'm just waiting for out come of this, and i know it'll be the end of the friendship... it's alright ....

db

2006-02-23T02:25:00.000-07:00

oh yeah today i feel gizmo sad... yes gizmo sad...
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2006-02-23T02:20:00.000-07:00

i wanted to share this with everyone i got it from youyesyou.net i believe...
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rest well deserved....

2006-02-23T01:56:00.000-07:00

Finally i have a day off tomorrow, and i forgot to do some paper work for tomorrow... Gee i'm been forget full these pass days. Well i don't want to worry about it, but my boss well say something to me. I don't really mind at all thinking about it, yeah as soon as i got back home i CLEANED, i mean i really cleaned... i don't want to have my days' off sitting in a messy house. I hate just sitting there and telling myself i should clean then i do, but i feel i shouldn't be doing this because it's my day off. Then i take off only to come back two days later when everything is the same MESSY.... yeah so i cleaned, i cleaned the restroom, soap scum all gone... clean kitchen, clean living room and i just toss everything in my closet in my bed room. :) well now that i'm off work and it's 2:00 am i should i write. Well lets begin...

work is fine and wonderful, nothing to complain the main person who was really giving me problems has finally been "relocated" out of the company. Job opening in california which i'm very qualified too and also a EPA tech on the rez needs to be filled, which i qualify for sure.. it pays a extra 5,000 each job a year...:) but i'm not looking for anything right now..

personal level in my life, lets put it this way... silence is deadly (i take this little phrase from a friend who wrote a story to me, which i found really funny) yeah, i been trying to contact val for a couple of days. I'm not sure if she is mad at me, for not calling or writing anything. But i have tried a couple of times and no answer so far. Maybe she's away doing something or that she is busy and just not at home when i call her. i don't know... i'm just waiting now, for any reply.... silence is deadly... and boring. Well tomorrow i'm going to see the HORROR POPS a band that's very very good... everyone must see them...

i'm hungry and someone just knock on my window... give me a sec.. nothing some crack head tossing around rocks.. fuker... well i'm going to start my couple of days off... REN and STIMPY marathon!!! yes i bought the DVD seris.. :)

db

i'll bend my soul in time...

2006-02-19T03:52:00.000-07:00

ok the reason i been up late and going to work early is because i been working a lot, i men a lot.. i really mean a lot.. i check my hours and i put in 82 hours in one week, it's freaking crazy. I'm tired and sleepy but i'm still going, it's like i'm tired and sleepy at home. but once at work i'm ready to go and keep going. I just told myself i might as well work 140 hours, for PTO cummalates after a certain amount of hours... but until then i'm sorry for those i haven't called or written too. Trust me all i have to say is i'm been working and nothing more.. alright i have work in less then 6 hours, i'm going to bed.. night everyone..
db

lol, it was fun....

2006-02-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

well everyone thanks for the messages, they were funny to listen too.. it was interesting and amusing... now it's time to take off the phone number. Once again thanks i just wanted to know how long it would have take for anyeone to leave or call my phone... i'm happy.. thanks again.. later for now.. i have work in 3 hours and i haven't slept yet it's 5 am :) oh yeah used this is MY 200 POST TODAY YEAH!!!!!
db

more to day..

2006-02-17T04:35:00.000-07:00

what to write gee... it's 4:37 am in the morning.. now everyone leave a message on my phone, i have over a thousand minutes a month and i only use about 129 real time minutes.. and 40 text messages a month.... it's sort of sad that i have no one to talk too this late at night.. so is my phone number i'll keep it here for a set amount of time... leave an message, i'll take it off in a few hours.. have fun.. i don't care what you leave.. it's more of an experiment than anything...

1-xxx-xxx-xxxx

gee my bio clock is so set on the opposite side of the world... wait.... maybe my "space" is really on the wrong time scale.. in fact i believe that this place, this space that surrounds me is really infinite vibrations with no measurement in scale or time, which really makes me no more than a carbon complex with consciousness in mocular level... yeah my cells each and everyone is really creating my reality by the means of senses, touch, sound, sight, smell and taste.... my cells devour what the can sense and my brain calculates... my life is calculations my brain doing in fragments of nano seconds.... inside of me i'm really trying to keep this reality and this space livable, livable... water fits into all of this, my body is more than 90% percent water... so i must replace bad water with good water, my cells are regrown ever 30 days, meaning i'm new every 30 days... Meaning i'm really being reborn.. which means my cells have an previous memory of what it was prior to dividing and then dyeing... meaning... i'm really a more complex circuit of cells working together to live and produce, all controlled by a gray matter that is really fat that senses electrical poses to my body.... that needs water... water...

water for you and me...

my love is like that of water,
love me once and i'll love you like oxygen loves hydrogen...
i'll hold you like an electron holds it's charge...
trust in me and i'll show you equations you should never believe...
let this build inside and i'll kiss at ever good bye...
hold the ends of this equation and physics will do the rest...
i can't make this more real... i can't believe this is your whispers to me late at night... kiss me like were full of shame, wear it like an dress that's ready to be torn away... caress the bone of your hip and i'll dance with you 'till night fail the stars... touch this beloved fallen star and i'll promise you'll see me first at night and last in morning... kiss me and i'll fill you like water fills veins in a heart... let me build up inside.... let us build inside... even if it means we do not know what to do... Physics will tell us the rest...
db

Doing laundry at 3 in the morning....

2006-02-14T03:03:00.000-07:00

today i want to kiss you and place you high on a mountian top... give it a chance they'll be jealous of us and say all the things necessary for us to be apart... tell me a secret and i'll share with you my tears... this is contagious but it's ok to be heading into this wall, internal sleep keeps me up and wondering if this is okay writing about us... sharing the whole world into our little one... it's okay as i wake and continue to write ..... write.... share.... love... i'm fine, i'm tired..... laundry in the dryer, and washer, work tomorrow and next day... sleep... i miss you, i miss you... can't sleep... wish you were here.... bananas for breakfast, oranges for lunch, apples for dinner, these are my meals, these are my ceremonies, this is my day in sections of fruits.... bow my head and wish you were here with me... one more prayer and then i'll sleep.... rest for me...
db

today is just a great day....

2006-02-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

today is just the best days so far this month, i can't say ever.. because well, tomorrow might be better. Val, i love you, i really do :) well that said that where should i begin. i'm drinking cream soda and it's really good... i don't know i just woke up feeling really postive and good, and took a long walk just to feel the world around me. I don't know if that makes sense. I know cheesy but i really feel like i'm part of something bigger... i can't say or describe it... but today i'm being a human for the first time in a long time... i feel everything is so beautiful and wonderful... i feel so peace full... i wish i could have felt this a long time ago, like in the teens, but better now then never... i'm breathing and i'm feeling it's beautiful to be me...

thank you everyone who cares about me, "B" thank you for your letters and sharing so much with me, i'm very happy that you choose me to be your listener, your reader and more...

"coolbabe" your words and feelings are very smiliar to mine, i can read what you write and know what you feel and thinking.. it makes this world smaller because it i know i'm not alone in feeling what i feel...

Sun, my favorite friend, i wouldn't be sane without you...

Val, my love, your are always there for me, i trust you with my secrets and more. even if at times i don't have much to say, sometimes just listening to you speak is the best parts of my day.... and i speak i try to make it worth every word... i can hope to be part of your future and your daughter's too... i think of both you...

db.

baby on board...and more...

2006-02-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm with someone right now! :) i know i'm happy with the situation and i enjoy listening to her talk. She has a baby girl (not mine) but that doesn't scare me away from her. I don't know, but everytime i hear her baby girl laugh or make noises it makes me laugh too.... well the girl i'm with we known each other for a long time, we "dated" once a long time ago. But that didn't really happen, it was an age thing and i was still a kid myself, from the inside.... well after 4 years of being good friends we are finlly together again. Yeah i'm happy with it all, oh yeah she reads this blog too so she'll be surprised that i'm talking about her and letting everyone know about her.

on other notes:
I finally run today again, i tried last week but my lungs were just coughing and i had to stop when i my chest burn and i cough up some blood and mucus.. ewww.. i know so i walk the block just to keep myself active. Well i also walk to work if that isn't enough, i also starting slowly to get rid of meat in my diet. I realize that being an meat eater is just wasteful very strainful on the enviroment, being an native thou means by my sister's words, "Your not Native if you don't eat meat!" yeah so i decided only to eat mutton LMAO, yes sheep.... when i'm at home because my family own cattle and sheep and raise corn ever year. But today i jog for awhile and walk and then jog... it was fun.. well i'm losing weight slowly but i'm still losing it.

my friend sun and i are going to the STROKES CONCERT yes i'm know.. they rock... and the HorrorPops are going to Marquee theatre and we'll going to see them also!! it's been a while since i been to a concert, but these two are going to be really good!

At work well i hate work now, the people there, some of them really make it hard to work there. Two are lovers, are trying to get me fired. During meetings she (the one is evil) gives me these looks that will kill little cute bunnies hopping around the flower garden. She just stares at me, with intent to kill and then whe my boss says something like, "When this happens and or this occurs you should...." Then she'll cut in and then say well Mr. (my name here) doesn't do that, he blah blah blah.. then i say "Well i didn't know that until just now, if you knew i was making mistakes first hand. I'm surprised you kept letting me making these mistakes" Then her boy lover, told an lie that made my boss yell at me, i hate them both.

*yawn... today is my day off and i just want to sleep but i'll do that later... i'm going to clean my apartment and figure out what i need from the grocer store. I just relized that i haven't bought milk in 5 months but yet i have a carton of milk in my fridge..... it was behind my box of wine lol.. J/k about the wine... it was a 30 pack of beer.. lol... j/k sorry it was really behind juice bottles, cranberry and orangejuice... yum.. juice... well i'll write more tomorrow when i get off work...
db

Ok.. finally..

2006-02-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

well i'm better 100% better, sorry for not writing much... mainly because this was how my day was mostly these past couple of days. Get up, get ready go to work. come back home and then sleep, or watch a little TV still trying not to cough up a lung. Then sleep, sleep, sleep.. drank a lot of juice. Didn't want to go to the hosiptal because they always give me asperen or some over the counter pill. That i could have bought my self and took it on my own. But they seem to probe and probe, then decide that i just a cold.DUH!!!! but i shouldn't be coughing up mucus and such for more then 2 weeks..... then say it's just your body getting rid of it... duh!!!!!! ok... i been sick before but i don't like it, i hate it. IT limits my social life and i don't like gettting my friends sick.. Well the doctor will say well that's it and presciption.... gee i once drop a couple of hundred of dollars for a diagnose that i could have read off an asperen bottle. GEE... well anywho.. con't. on next post...
db

James Blunt...

2006-01-30T02:01:00.000-07:00

Love this guy's lyrics damn there really good.. everyone go out and buy his CD... i know some of you i'm late on this one, but hey it's never late for Blunt, am i right?
db

sorry for not posting..

2006-01-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

BUT I'M SICK.... yes... i'm finally sick, i haven't been sick in almost 2 years and now i'm throat is just awful, my eyes burning and stomach turning. my legs feel like they been running non stop and body is just heavy... i'm so tired, i know when or how i got sick too... i'm always careful about this stuff, my voice is shot because of my throat just be sore, people call and they don't know who they are talking too. orange juice, love that stuff... this is like my first day i didn't wake up cold or hot, just right so i might be getting better. Hey val, i'm sorry i haven't wrote anything for you but trust me i wanted too.. but i'm going back to bed.. sorry.. just awful right now and i'm running out of chicken soup.. :( bye..

more notes..

2006-01-16T01:58:00.000-07:00

Yes i'm still running, sorry for not updating as much as often, i just been working and on my days off, i rested and tried to complete a good list of a diet that will help me make me feel better. Off the burgers, off the fast food.. no need for that, no need for fries... if you have any suggestions please share, i was suggested a all Tuna diet, yes i know.. tuna, good but once in a great while, i due mean ONCE in a GREAT While....
oh yeah for that big surprise.... sadly it didn't follow through, yeah i learned not to get all hype over something unless i'm 100% sure of it's certainty. Busy at work, not a lot of good movies but people are still going to them.... people need to read books, i bought like 4 this month and finish all of them already... oh yeah, i need some help on this one, like the diet please suggest a book, i read everything and i do mean everything, i'm not a picky reader, i just love to read.. thank you,:)
db

one more brave one ... please

2006-01-16T01:48:00.000-07:00

One more line for one more man... all tucker out and still breathing.. still wanting to live for everyone, still wanting to visit the 4 corners of your heart, a soft kiss not forgotten, remembering all the past dues and all the past voices.. acting, driving, speaking, walking, smoking, it's all sacred to us, sacred to our little world of you and me... dramatize on a stone stage acting like the animals we wish only to be... remember these times and everything will eventually fall into place, remember everything, and i'll breath more easy, i'll walk more easy, we'll fall together much easier and then rise only as us... say good night, and say i love you, and say every tidbit so we can quote each other when we find ourselves in the past, holding each other over a broken fence.... smile... you.. smile.. then kiss me softly like as if we're both fragile.. which we are... so smile and smile... for both us..
db

LOL.... it feels good....

2006-01-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

I ran again and this time my lungs burned less and i'm feeling better, gee i forgot how religious this could feel, pain in the lungs, pain in the legs, pain on the side, pain and sweat, i whisper to myself breath keep breathing, keep the rythem, keep the pace, you'll stop when the road ends... love the pain, love the heat, love the ache, it's like a old memory of father, a memory of mother, each step is closer to what i want to be, complete... breath, create, remember everything was created with a breath, created with heat, created with pain, created with an heart ache, forgive me for i'm just learning my way again, not a reborn christian, but a reborn navajo.. yes there's a difference... run... walk... step... forward, always forward....
db
p.s. i remembered racing my mom as a child today and it didn't make me sad, it made me run harder... then my aunt visited me from black mesa, she brought me pinons... because she misses me, because she wanted to see me... i missed her, i miss black mesa, i miss the smell of juniper... i miss a lot of things..... i miss sleep most of all...

I ran 30 mins...

2006-01-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

Today i ran for 30 mins. i'm want to do an experiment with my body.. don't worry i'll try to keep it as heathy as possible. but i'm just curious when my body metabolism is functioning, when i was 18 my metabolism work it's best around 6 in the evening.. now that my bio clock is all out of wack i want to know when are my highs and lows of the day, so that i can be my best functioning self around those times, or try to reset myself.... change of diet, exercise and measurement of time and distance. I ran for 30 mins... need to run again tomorrow... it's 3am in the morning...if you want to know.... and still waiting for a letter....
db

This is for everyone who reads my journal and share your thoughts with me, thank you

2005-12-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

sweet.. mercy i have sat here and waited for you, i let the world judge me and i shared everything with all of you, you have read some of my deepest thougths and feelings and you have supported me through most of my ordeals and complaining. Thank you for letting me know that i'm not alone, the world is less scary and people are less harmful because of you, i'll be ok, i'll be fine, i'll write and you'll read... thank you for your time, and i hope that you have a happy new year. I can only hope that i get friendly times and good thoughts as time goes by... i smile when you comment on my thoughts. HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
:)
db