it doesn't hurt me....

you want to know if it doesn't hurt me... you want to know that it didn't phase me...
your words choke my heart into beliving...
your words carved me into who want to be...
but you never said that your words would ever matter...
the spaces you built for me, all made me feel ok, made me feel warm..

c'mon tell me again how you felt... tell me how this ends... if i only could...
i want you, i want to hold up your when your down....
i don't want to ever know you never loved me... you never loved me...
it doesn't hurt me, no never well...
filling up those faces with yours... all i'm doing is filling up these spaces with my lies...
only if i could.. only if i could have kiss you the first time.. hold your hand the first time...
then i would be willing to walk down this road without your soul....

db

late nights and late days...

it's been awhile since i been outside in the early mornings that wasn't me going back home to sleep. My sleeping pattern is really screwed up now, my job requires me to work late. 'Causing me to sleep in most days usually 1pm or 2 pm and then i work at 5pm again.. so usually get like 4 or 5 hours to myself... which is lame. i hate my job but who doesn't it...

well a little more of my life, there's a new girl in my life and she has "deeply madly in love with me" those were the words she said. I'm surprised and feeling good about it, i never had someone who was just in love with me. :) i usually have to throw lines around or do nice things to get her attention but she came to me..


:) i'm going to ride this ride and see where it takes me... wish me luck??

db

missing out on something...

well it's been a while but really nothing has really change... i guess i catch up everyone with this life i call mine. First and foremost i'm in a relationship a very awkward bad one, she has a boyfriend and i'm the other "guy." i'm beginning to understand how easy it is for people to hurt other's that they care or love. For years i was being hurt and abuse by different woman because i never set a type of boundry with any one of them. As of September i been fooling around with someone i don't understand enough to know why she even cares about me..... well tell you the truth this week she told me that loves me.

i felt nothing when these words were utter out, but i did notice that the way she said it was so natural and fluid that she actually deeply meant it. I for one have been emotional numb for so many months that i actually am a front of to someone i wish i could be. I smile dumbly at my everyday life that i even fool myself that people care about what i felt. I truely understand now thou, that after many years of trying to find love, that love comes to you when you least want it or desire it.... i for one should never have it... i'm done here for now. i'll post something tomorrow, more postive... more me.

glad to be back.

db

her.

exactly at 3:22am a girl told me she loves me... i was than told not to ever mention it again... so i posted it here because she doesn't know about this blog, to remind me later how being loved feels... if this heart ever allows it too...

db

i well break...

if the end is never near enough, then this social reserve is the only place for me to let go..

i'm sick, infected with worries with busted lips...
i'm bored with the it of you, and i'm screamin' outloud that your the reason i'm not here...
traveling with the sound of voice, i never knew that your life is so damn non-sense and that selfishness is all i have to live for...

i rather knew you hated me from the beginning never meeting you at the end...
i been sober for nothing and i'm been letting go ever suicidal hate...
telling myself that taking my meds is matter of knowing and caring and i no longer have either... i never been more confused.... i never been more worried....

i would gladly trade places, with anyone else who's running up another a hill...
making a deal to make this life different.... you want to hurt me and you should..
because i'll tear into cinders.... if i only i could, if only i knew what was in store in these moments.... i wouldn't have called for an early angel...

db

a myth to believe in...

she's really something to believe in...

everything built up inside and i'm failing to be hers...

waiting patiently for her reply, i'm coughing up all her pieces..

i don't want to be the only one knowing the end of this..

slowly strumming the chords attach to your heart...

i know your pain and it grows inside every dream...

she so unattainable to me, and i let her build up inside of me...

i keep catching my words in my throat, i can't let her become of me...

knowing she isn't real is keeping me from reaching out...

tomorrow well be another day from you, another space between in me...

torment and the pain is covering me, aching for a myth of you and me...

db

inscripition

i been waiting for something, waiting for a wailing and recieved nothing more than a wimper... maybe i'll know more in time. Then again, i'm tired of waiting. sick of it actually, never like it more than i wanted to know about it. In a moments the sun well begin to break the horizon and i'm no where closer to where i want to be. I'm sitting here, just eaten 3 vegan tacos and half dranken bottle of wine... slumber comes to mind... but really i'm here hoping the best has happen or well happen...

i have moved on and i know it, no longer stale of the thought of us. i no longer wonder if, with time, we would be... no i'm fluid with my thoughts and feelings, not clinching to either one long enough to remember you. (i patiently fiddle with my pens and markers, today i written my first poem without remorse or sorrow)

yes, yes.... i now know what i lost and my "spirit" was not the important part of me. where is the "i".... i know it's not in this bottle, nor any that follows. i fear it was left in your hands next to my heart that resides there too. I don't need either but i'm hellbent on making my life better. I'm waking everyday and making sure that my seconds, minutes and hours are not wasted on what little past i cherish and hidden of you. i'm planning my great escape and this time i written you out. 

db